The Know Insider Weblog

I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren’t news flashes regarding when — and perhaps where — people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there’s not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that’s how Neptune got there…

What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don’t worry, there is no need to inspect your bed spread, although I heard the spread does improve the taste of toast. But I’ve been thinking for at least 32 seconds about the history of bed bugs and why they are among the most feared creatures in the world, and possibly in the universe, assuming that other worlds have beds. Think about it. We don’t tell people, “Don’t let the rabid dogs bite” or “Don’t let the spiders bite” unless we’re in the White House, in which case all warnings are figurative anyway. Everywhere else the line a person hears before sleeping is “Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” as if bed bugs are worse than the nightmare the person will likely have anyway…

I feel sorry for that sucker who was actually bitten by a bed bug, because he can’t shrug off the warning like the rest of us can. In fact, he’s the reason we use the statement to begin with:

Victim: Well, I’m tired. I’m going to bed.

Victim’s Acquaintance: Be careful in there. You remember what happened the last time you went to bed, right?

Victim: Yeah, yeah, I remember.

Victim’s Acquaintance: Well, don’t let the bed bugs bite. Not again.

I just hope there’s no worldwide phenomenon of people being bitten by all kinds of animals while sleeping, because that’s just too many things to list while wishing someone a good night. And just imagine if a person was bitten by a sheep while sleeping. That would throw the whole sleeping process for such a complete loop that we’d all probably just stay awake forever. Think about how stale the Fruit Loops would get…

In between the previous paragraph and this one I decided to take a few minutes to do some research. After all, research can save lives, and the typical reader checks out this column to have his or her life saved — or maybe it’s to read about lime Life Savers. Regardless, I’ve read that bed bugs are commonly found in homes that have bats in the attic. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That’s good to know. I’ll go to the attic right away to get rid of those darn bats.” But don’t act so quickly! Remember: those bats are protecting your old boxes, including your Yahtzee game. So slow down and think before you do something you’ll regret in a day or two…

It is said that a room with bed bugs typically has a distinct odor. Furthermore, black spots may be found on sheets, or there may even be small blood stains that are evident. So before you blame your crazy aunt for coming over to your house and leaving a trail of her own blood, understand that she probably never made it past the attic after her entrance through the chimney. The same applies to Santa Claus, I’d imagine…

Since bed bugs are nocturnal, they hide in dark places during the day before feeding at night. Placing glow-sticks all over your house, so that there is no dark crevice, will assure that these creatures will seek a house more conducive to their ways, although this other house is probably not nearly as well-decorated. Realize that bed bugs feed on wild birds, in addition to domestic animals, bats, and humans. So pretending to be a wild bird all day isn’t your best escape, unless you are a wild bird, in which case it’s good you aren’t afraid to be yourself. And I thank you, wild bird, for reading…

Bed bugs are most commonly found in old rooms and hotels, as well as in places which are considered unsanitary. Something tells me, though, that if you are living somewhere unsanitary, you have other issues besides bed bugs, such as the fact that you are sleeping in your own filth. This aside, the best way to not let the bed bugs bite, wherever you live, seems to be ignoring their existence. When they hear, “Don’t let the bed bugs bite,” their obvious reaction will be one of the following:

a) Hey, they’re acknowledging us, but in a negative way. Let’s go do some serious biting.

b) I hope no one has caught on to our Yahtzee fetish in the attic, especially those darn bats.

So by not giving the warning, and using some other bedtime greeting instead, you’re saving yourself in the process. You see, the purpose of this column is not to stop you from getting a good night’s sleep, because we all know that’s what fire trucks and crickets are for. Instead, please take this column as a warning that bed bugs do exist, and you know what? They’re a lot like news flashes. That’s right — they come when you’re watching late-night television, and they leave you with an empty feeling after they take some of your blood. Yes, exactly like news flashes, yes…

But I digress.

Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor column, “Progressive Revelations,” has been ongoing since 1998. (<http://www.ProgressiveRevelations.com>)

There are a lot of people out there who for one reason or another really can’t so something. This article is not about you so don’t be offended. This article is about all the other people who for one reason or another say they can’t do something, when what they really should be saying is that they won’t do something. Now I don’t want you to be offended either, I am merely pointing out that we should mean what we say and do what we say we can’t but know in our hearts that we could if we tried.

Sound a little confusing? Well it is confusing to me why in our society there are a lot of reasons why we can’t but very little results when we could. We can always come up with a lot of reasons why something did not work when we should be trying to get the results of what we are trying to do in the first place. By the time your mind comes up with an excuse you could have been making a break through or completing a task. In fact it takes more effort to think of a reason why won’t do something then to actually do it the first place.

Case in point you are asked to take out the garbage, now you stand there for 10 minutes arguing with the other person trying to get you point across why you can’t do it, when you know in your heart you just really don’t want to do it. Now you know if you had just taken out the trash in the first place you would have saved yourself 7 or 8 minutes of time, which you could have used to do something else.

Now don’t get me wrong we are a country of dreamers who fail to carry out our dreams because we are to busy making excuses for why our dreams would never have worked in the first place. We seem to think that when someone asks us to solve a problem or perform a task that we don’t want to do we just come up with those four little words,” I can’t do it”. Now I don’t know about you but most people can’t because they do not even think trying to see if they can.

A good example of this is the person who would like to go back to school after 15 or 20 years. In their heart they have already said that is going to be tough and so on and so on. Now if they would have expended one ounce of energy they used to make up all those excuses they probably would have gotten an A in their first four classes.

I can’t or I can it is such a simple choice but one that ways heavily on our mind. Even now you might be thinking I can’t write an article like this one when you never really tried to see if you could. When you are done here pick up a pencil or get on that computer and start writing.

Your mind is a powerful tool. The trick is to not use it for making excuses but to use it for carrying out your dreams. Teach yourself to say I can and I will instead of I can’t because I won’t

About the Author

I am a freelance writer from Reading, PA. I write on a variety of subjects from business resources to Christian topics